100% Latina

So I'm prepping a game for my Latin Heritage month celebration tomorrow at work. Listening to the arrays of music I've been exposed to since my childhood makes me proud not only to be a Latina.

My Mexican family taught me to appreciate the beauty of a Huapango (btw if you have never heard the Huapango de Mocayo- you're missing it, it's an amazing piece of work). I mean that song moves me like Gerswhin's Rhapsody in Blue.

My dad will always teach me to appreciate the romantic songs of trios and sons.

My mother taught me how to sway to vallenatos and break a sweat with merengues.

This only lead to my love of Bossa Nova and Samba, which moves me like no other.

 

 

 

I'm always proud to be Latina, to be Salvadorean, but today I'm a little more proud :) 

The first loves and the last love and the love of your life

During this time of the year, I always like to take a moment and relive when Scott and I started dating. We have no official start date to dating, and our official anniversary is in December. But this time of the year will always hold a very fond place in my heart.

Everyone thinks that their first love is the love of their life, and for some that might be the case. I thought so too. See, I know it's a news flash but Scott and I probably (most likely) loved other people before we met. Heck I'd hope so, first loves serve as experience and teach us so much about our selves and how we relate to the world around us.

I thought my first love was the love of my life. Until he totally annihilated my tiny 13 year old heart. Yes I believe 13 year old's can fall in love, at least within the capacity of their own 13 year old hearts.  Then I thought who I thought was the love of my life was going to my last love. It was a long relationship, tumultuous, and filled with drama. See I believe there are two first loves in your life: the first one is unrequited and the other reciprocated.

My first love taught me a lot of good and bad things about myself: He taught me to appreciate jazz, odd music, and the importance of trust in a relationship. Those are good things I have carried over, because irregardless of how we end our relationships, I hope that we can all take good things away from them as well as the scars they leave us. The bad things I learned about myself were plenty: that I was capable of loosing myself in someone, that I'd prioritize this person over my family and friends, that I'd be willing to sacrifice everything for one person who was not willing to give anything back except only love. Yes, love is very important, but love isn't everything. Love combined with understanding, support, acceptance, inclusion is everything. But love alone isn't sufficient.

Enter my last love: the love of my life. I used to feel that I couldn't call Scott the love of my life because I had pissed away that title on someone else, because I had called someone else that I felt like Scott didn't deserve a second hand statement. I honestly couldn't find a better one, because he deserved something above "love of my life." Scott is my best friend. Hands down homie/thug FO LYFE! Over the past 6 years (6 years by the end of September) I have learned that Scott can be called the love of my life because he is just that. I was simply wrong the first time. I mean honestly, how can I bank on the promise of a deluded 22 year old?

Scott is the love of my life for so many reasons. Mostly because it's more than just love that keeps us together, its everything else that keeps love going that he offers. Companionship, support, inclusion, understanding. In the 6 years we've been together I've never felt like I've needed to compromise who I am to be with him. That is why he is the love of my life.

I love you Scott, happy 6 years this month. May we be blessed with 60 more :)

The things that horrify me about becoming a mom

For years and years I swore I was never going to never have children, up until 6 years ago that is. When I met my now husband I knew probably  into our second date that I wanted him to be 'my baby daddy.' Luckily he didn't run in the opposite direction when  I told him this on our third date.

Flash forward now. There is talk of beh-behs. My non-catholic mother is lighting candles for me during her Barcelona trip for a womb invasion. Switching into the possibility of motherhood isn't easy for me. There are times when I pray I was totally knocked up. This usually happens when I see an incredibly cute ass baby or see really cute clothes at target. Then there are other times when I'm glad I'm not. This usually happens on Friday/Saturday nights when I'm drinking with my girlfriends or quietly watching a crappy scary movie in my quiet home shared with my husband.

I'm very happy with my life, I feel that is complete even without the kid. I could be happy without having children, because I don't feel like they're missing from my life. BUT I also know that I would like to have one or two.  I don't idolize motherhood, I'm pretty real about my thoughts about it. But I'm also pretty horrified/intriguied by becoming a mom. Let me share some of my fears.


1) BODY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPHING!
I think there is a lot of misconception that some women just immediately bounce into wanting to be a mom. I'm one of those women. I mean just the idea of my body changing is enough to pretty much horrify me. Now, before you say "oh but it's wonderful, it'll be great." I'm pretty sure it will be at times, and other times it wont be. The way I see it, I've spent the last 12 years of life taking care of my figure. Ok, scratch that, the last 6 years, because things are just harder to keep in place than they were at 19. I'd love to say that I'm cool enough with my body that when pregnancy comes I won't be phased, but I will be. Blame society for putting so much emphasis on a woman's appearance, I've bought it hook line and sinker. So coming to terms with the fact that my body will look different is very difficult to me.

This is my internal reference of child birth

2)  The loss of independence
no more eating sushi by myself with a good book or journal (at least not that often), this makes me sad.

3) Mood swings
I already experience mood swings with my cycle, I can't even imagine the hell I will experience when I become pregnant

4) My friendships will change
I love my girlfriends. I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOVE EM! I know I will gain mommy friends, but I don't want to lose my non-mommy friends. Will they leave me out? Will I get upset when I'm not tagged in pictures? Will my husband do me a solid and take care of the little one so I can go out? OH MY GAWD, are my beach days and mimosa significantly reduced?

5) The Judgement
I don't deal well with being judged, so I can see me losing my shit on someone for judging me. But it's so unfair that as women we have to be so harsh with one another. But here are the judgments I fear I may cuss someone out on:
- breast feeding vs bottle feeding
- working vs not working
- me not thinking motherhood is some AMAAAAAAAAZING thing, it's life changing, but I just don't think its the end all be all.
- spanking vs not spanking
- judging my discipline
- me keeping my cats
- everything

6) Post partum Depression
I've had depressive episodes in the past. I haven't had them in a long time, but I've had them. I fear that this may happen

7) Torn perineum and/or pooping mid birth
- this needs NO explanation

8) My kid being a jerk/bully
- I genuinely hope I don't give birth to douche bag of a kid. It can happen even to the nicest parents. I have met some adult asses who's parents are FANTASTIC. Douchey Kids- It can happen to you!

Even Cersei grew tired of his shit

9) Change in my relationship with my husband
- We have a good thing going: my husband and I. Let's be real, babies do not improve a relationship. They are a major stress and stress isn't good for a relationship. So, I'm a little freaked out about that whole thing.

10) The guilt
- The guilt about working while my kid is at home or under someone elses care. My hat goes off to all my lady friends who work and have kids. I don't know how you do it. You're ninjas and amazing badasses. I miss my cats when I'm at work, I can't even imagine what I'll feel when I have a kid.

Becoming a mom is no joke. It's not easy, it's not pretty, and it's down right scary. My attitude towards becoming a mom is the attitude I have when I go on a ride at Magic Mountain. I'm both excited yet HORRIFIED at what I'm about to experience. I know I'll get through it exhilirated, but there will be that moment, when you're at the top and you begin to question the sanity of your decision. But by then it's too late, you just have to hold on for the ride of your life.

The Patriarchy: Oppression for everyone!



The patriarchy  totally suck dude. Let me do a break down for you. . Ilost you with the whole 'oppresses women thing' but it does. It's about exerting male dominance over females. Now you probably think that you (being a guy) would tooooooooootally benefit from the patriarchy, but you don't.  The patriarchy is where our very rigid gender roles come from. This doesn't help you Here's why.


1) The Patriarchy says you should bone down a certain way .

Women love guys who see them as equals, it's like a proven fact. But lets go even further than that. The Patriarchy tells us women that we should be sexually submissive, pure, virginal, and pretty much sexually stunted. Because if you aren't those things, you're a slut and a hoe-bag. We (women) are also guilty of perpetuating this myth, but going into all that is another blog post. The Patriarchy has told you (dudes) that you need to be sexually aggressive, have a shit ton of partners, and be sexual experts. If you as a dude aren't doing any of those things, well then you aren't a man (according the patriarchy).

Wouldn't you want to be with a woman who felt sexually free to be who she wants to be, whether that be virginal or not? There is nothing more unattractive and unsexy than sexual hang ups (that goes for you guys too). Wouldn't sex just be way more exciting and awesome if we could switch and/or be flexible with our gendered sexual expectations? Heck yeah it would be exciting! Sex should be fluid and free flowing. Sex without judgment should be the ideal, but the Patriarchy is one judgy bastard. 

The Patriarchy says the following:

"Women, you have no control over your own sexual behavior, you're there to be available and willing. However, if you're too willing you're bad"

You know what turns off a lot of women, feeling coerced whether it be by society or a person. I consider myself a very sexually liberal person. If I ever felt that my partner was judging me for my wanting sex and enjoying it, well lets just say we wouldn't be partners. When women feel they are in control of their own sexual choices we become fun sexual partners!

Whenever you feel guilty about you're sexual behavior (or lack there of) that's the patriarchy talking

2) Gender roles: You have been pigeon holed my friend

The feminist movement has opened up so many roads for women. I mean, just like 60 years ago women were supposed to just stay home and take care of the kids. Screw getting an education, you had to get your M.R.S. degree. But woah, so many options now! We can be stay at home moms, business owners, Secretaries of State (HOLLA HILLARY), and much much more. We've been battling the Patriarchy and although we still have a long way to go (getting rid of misogyny, eliminating rape-culture, amongst other things), we've made huge strides. BUT you guys, man you still are supposed to act a certain way. You're still supposed to be cavemen.  I feel as women we've become a bit more flexible,  being able adopt traditional male roles with more acceptance. But I fear that there is less acceptance for men adopting traditional female roles.

Men: "you need to be the breadwinner" , "why are you crying, men don't cry", " you need to take the lead"

You guys have been taught that if you acquire ANY female attributes you're a "pussy" or you're "weak". See, that sucks because:
1) It implies we're weak
2)  It gives you no flexibility.

See, the patriarchy is having you believe the hype that if you move away from your gender role you're less than a man. But you're not!! You're still 100% dude. If you identify as a man, you're a man. Shouldn't it be that simple?

You need you're own masculine movement, but not like those odd men's right activists who swear feminist are out to get you. Nah, man, I'm a feminist and I LOVE LOVE LOVE MEN. Like seriously!

Men are capable of so much more than the bullshit the Patriarchy is feeding you! So men, join me to fight the patriarchy, be my brother in arms, because no one benefits from systematic oppression.

SWANSON OUT!!!!!

The cows are leaving

Today, I read some sad news on my Facebook feed. My high school friend S was having her dairy moved to Nebraska.    The time had finally come to say good bye. Although I haven't seen as much of this friend as much as I would have liked since finishing high school, we always talked about the cows when we did.

 I went to a Jr. high and high school with a very large population of dairy farmers. Many with the names starting with De or Van or Vander something (and they had a problem saying my last name). We were close to the dairies too and it wasn't to uncommon to smell them during early morning breaks and after chapel. 

I remember my friends dairy. She had a golf cart and this other little mini car that we would take for a spin. She would take me to see the cows getting milked. The things they put on those udders where fascinating and could offer a death grip on your finger. I would drink cold fresh milk, bacteria be dammed. That shit was goooood!!! 

I look back fondly on one evening when we headed back from a typical senior year bonfire. She showed us the place where they keep the cotton they feed the cows. A huge barn of it, and we'd climb to the top and dive in. It was good clean fun. I'll miss the smell and the site of the cutest calfs I've ever seen.

Seeing the cows go is more than just  seeing a part of my past leave. It's a reminder that life keeps just keeps moving and as I get older the more likely it is I will see parts of my childhood get paved over. 

The memories of those summers will always be encased in a warm SoCal afternoon. Those wonderful Holstein memories 

My pops

My father looks like Saddam Hussein when he grows out his beard. Has a voice that could be heard easily a mile away and is pretty tall for a Salvadorean.  

I tell many fathers that come into the agency for treatment that the first love of a woman's life is her father. This mean that it can have a positive or detrimental affect on her if you don't treat her right.  The love or lack there of that fathers give our mothers is observed and taken in. From that we can choose what we do and don't want in our relationship ( if we're fortunate enough to be aware of this baggage we carry).

My father loved me immensely as a child, never made me feel like my gender defined who I was or what I should or shouldn't do. My dad let me rock on with my quirky adolescent self. He took me to see the little mermaid as a little girl and now cheers for me when I finish marathons. He is a great gruff of a man with a chewy nougat center.

Feliz dial del Padre, Radio Viejo.

Being a wife

My husband and I were married 6 months ago today. Man time flies! We're technically newlywed but the hubs and I will be celebrating our 6 year "anniversary" in septemberish (a term I'm using loosely  because we don't have an actual anniversary day).

I'm still trying to figure out the whole wife thing out. I know how to be a girlfriend. I got that on lock down! But being a wife is different. The only reference I know about beings wife is what I've learned from the women around me. Some have been cautionary tales, others inspiration, and some a little bit of both. But they were their husbands wives, which means my role as Scott's wife will be different than other women I've known. 

I'm going to take this approach even when I become a mom. I know there are some universal basics to being as good wife: no screwing around with someone else, don't mock him in front of others, be supportive, and support him. Basically do unto him what you want done unto you.

I define being a wife is really about compromising and choosing your battles. Things that would make me blow up before seem trivial, because I have a long life to live with this man of mine, and getting upset over the toilet seat is pretty petty. Being a wife is about learning how to communicate my needs and understanding his.

I often battle between the Christian idea of being a wife, as I 've always associated being a wife with being submissive, unquestioning, and tolerant. God made me none of these. But I'll tell you one thing, I'd give that man my kidney, stand by his side because he is my family now. Being a wife is about spending your life with someone equal yet different than you. Someone you can learn from and can learn from you.  I will be the woman I have always been, the woman that attracted my husband. And that woman will be his wife. I love the man that makes up my husband.

I got a long way to go and I'm still figuring it out, this whole wife-ing thing. I'm pretty sure ill mess up occasionally because I'm human, but I'm gonna give it my 100% because well, in marriage there should be no half assed efforts.