Kittehs: Written?Kitten!

Do you have writers block? Go to www.writtenkitten.net ! You get awarded a cat for every 100 words you write. This is what I wrote:

For every 100 words you write, you get awarded a kitten. that seems like a really good idea! I mean who doesn't want a cat!? I want a cat! A kitten is a cat, only in small cute size bites! Don't think poorly of me, I'm not actually going to eat a cat, psh that's ridiculous! I wonder if the cat will be a tabby, tuxedo, or calico cat? I already have two cats, one of which has a disproportionate head. Her name is Dr. Unagi, she has an M.D. and specializes in Orthopedic surgery. She's a little slow.

* I never said it was any good

Life Lessons: 20 things I learned in my 20's

1.      You can hit puberty twice, apparently my hips were little delayed  in getting the memo and the next thing I knew was having to buy brand  new Lee jeans ( I also learned I had poor jean taste)

2.       Find a good, legitimate, Brazilian waxer - not some  weird place in a plaza called Shinnee Nail, you want the words “salon” “spa” and “painless” in the title

3.       I thought I was writing amazing poetry and insightful journal entries, I wasn’t.  I was just pretentious college kid with a thesaurus who thought it was crass to use the work Fuck in her journal. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.  

4.       Boys with tongue rings taste like you’re kissing a dirty nickel.

5.       Guys you meet in clubs who drive corvettes are a bad a bad idea. A  very, very, bad idea.

6.       Don’t slut shame another woman, you’re just as big a whore as she is.

7.       You CAN buy a sexy and supportive bra, you don’t need to need to be condemned to maiden ware beige.

8.       Perms are super bad ideas.

9.       Don’t buy a sports car as an “I’m getting over this __(insert: break up, quarter life crisis, job loss, weight gain, other traumatic event)_” purchase. Get a purse. Buy an Alpaca, I don’t know just don’t buy a sports car.

10.   Everything I ate eventually caught up with me, tapped me on the shoulder all winded and was like “oh look at you trying to outrun me! Lets go buy elastic band pants!”

11.   I learned that if you can't get yourself off, it'll be difficult for someone else to do it too! 

12.   I Learned that if you talk about owning a wedding dress and you don’t clarify  that you were previously engaged, people will think you’re crazy.

13.   I learned, like within the last five years, that you don’t need to keep holding on the gas pump when you fill up, they have a little flip thingy that holds it for you!

14.   I learned you can have soulmates who are women.

15.   Cats/Dogs make perfect surrogate children.

16.   Sadly, I learned, that I'm capable of being rendered helpless by a an unhealthy relationship.

17.   I learned that cold pizza is pretty much THE SHIT!

18.   Apparently, men don't read minds! Weird I know! 

19.   I Learned that competing with others is like competing in the special Olympics: no matter who wins, you’re both retarded.

20.   I learned that I didn’t know anything and I still don’t know anything and I’m ok with that. Here’s to another 20 + 100 years of learning. 

Kittehs: 10 reasons why my cats(or cat's in general) are cuter/better than your baby

After long consideration and viewing multiple facebook posts of peoples babies I have come to the conclusion that my cats are far cuter/better than your babies*. Let me provide some scientifically proven** facts as to why cats are better than your babies/children.

1.)   Fur. Is your child covered in fur? Because if it is that’s fucking terrifying and you should see a specialist. As for my cats they are covered in fur and look adorable. Have you ever touched a cats belly? It’s like touching angel wings or the hair of God.

Dr. Unagi

Disco

2.)   My cats don’t incessantly cry for no reason. No, they purr or meow. I mean they howl when in heat, but you can handle that with a quick trip to the vet. You can’t take a baby anywhere to fix that high pitch scream they do at 3am.

3.)   My cat’s got 9 lives, your kid only has 1 beat THAT!

4.)   They crap in a box and cover it up. Cat’s are discreet and have dignity, they don’t want you seeing their crap. Babies? Babies crap everywhere on anything at anytime possible.

5.)   I’ll never have to send my cats to college

6.)   My cats can’t get pregnant (well Dr. Unagi can but we’re handling that soon). Can you say that for your baby? “Oh but Andrea, my baby is only 7 months old”. You wont be saying that when they’re 16 , pimply,and horny.

7.)   Entertained easily by a string. My cats can play endlessly with a cat dancer ($2.99) and a plastic bag. How much is that X-box or baby Einstein stuff?

enjoy this video of cats on cheap catnip

8.)   Spring loaded feet. Can your baby jump 3-5 times their height

9.)   Cat’s clean themselves

Adorable? Yes! Clean? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

10.)   15-18 years emotional investment tops and no one will judge you if you buy another afterwards. You can’t say that when your 35 year old kid moves back in with you when his band didn’t take off. 

"Death Ferrets are playing at Kmart opening, I think this is our big break"

*I may end up having kids of my own, and yes, my cats may still be better than them
** there is NO scientific proof that cats are better than babies/children


Enjoy this video of a cat on a roomba:

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