Life Lessons: 20 things I learned in my 20's

1.      You can hit puberty twice, apparently my hips were little delayed  in getting the memo and the next thing I knew was having to buy brand  new Lee jeans ( I also learned I had poor jean taste)

2.       Find a good, legitimate, Brazilian waxer - not some  weird place in a plaza called Shinnee Nail, you want the words “salon” “spa” and “painless” in the title

3.       I thought I was writing amazing poetry and insightful journal entries, I wasn’t.  I was just pretentious college kid with a thesaurus who thought it was crass to use the work Fuck in her journal. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.  

4.       Boys with tongue rings taste like you’re kissing a dirty nickel.

5.       Guys you meet in clubs who drive corvettes are a bad a bad idea. A  very, very, bad idea.

6.       Don’t slut shame another woman, you’re just as big a whore as she is.

7.       You CAN buy a sexy and supportive bra, you don’t need to need to be condemned to maiden ware beige.

8.       Perms are super bad ideas.

9.       Don’t buy a sports car as an “I’m getting over this __(insert: break up, quarter life crisis, job loss, weight gain, other traumatic event)_” purchase. Get a purse. Buy an Alpaca, I don’t know just don’t buy a sports car.

10.   Everything I ate eventually caught up with me, tapped me on the shoulder all winded and was like “oh look at you trying to outrun me! Lets go buy elastic band pants!”

11.   I learned that if you can't get yourself off, it'll be difficult for someone else to do it too! 

12.   I Learned that if you talk about owning a wedding dress and you don’t clarify  that you were previously engaged, people will think you’re crazy.

13.   I learned, like within the last five years, that you don’t need to keep holding on the gas pump when you fill up, they have a little flip thingy that holds it for you!

14.   I learned you can have soulmates who are women.

15.   Cats/Dogs make perfect surrogate children.

16.   Sadly, I learned, that I'm capable of being rendered helpless by a an unhealthy relationship.

17.   I learned that cold pizza is pretty much THE SHIT!

18.   Apparently, men don't read minds! Weird I know! 

19.   I Learned that competing with others is like competing in the special Olympics: no matter who wins, you’re both retarded.

20.   I learned that I didn’t know anything and I still don’t know anything and I’m ok with that. Here’s to another 20 + 100 years of learning.