Me Vs. My Brain

Back in September 2013 I came out of a stupor surrounded by men in uniform, in my bedroom, and half-consciously asking my husband "What's wrong?! What happened?!" I knew they were paramedics, and I was scared shitless. My husband then proceeded to tell me that I had had a seizure. According to him, I had drifted off to sleep for a bit, just to wake up a few minutes later complaining of my eye. Turns out it was an aura about to precede my seizure.  They almost didn't take me to the emergency room because I was pretty responsive, but my husband decided that it would be best just to be cautious. They led me down the stairs in my sports shorts and all I could muster to say (because my head was pounding) was "Scott, is my vagina hanging out" to which he responded "No honey, it isn't."

This was my first seizure. I had my first one around the age of 12-13, the other at 15-16, I can't remember. All this was brought on by a run in with Cysticercosis which lead to scar tissue on my brain, which in turn lead to seizures. I was on meds for about 5 years, until I turned 18 and my neurologist gave me the green light to get rid of my Tegretol. Fast forward 16 years later, and I am straight up convulsing again.

What this lead to was to 4 months driving suspension (which sucks, because my job requires it), pushing against the demands of my jobs, and relying on folks for rides (which sucks because I don't like asking for help). I found myself unable to get to the gym (HELLO WEIGHT GAIN) and walking to the train station. It also coincided with Daylight Savings Time, which meant shorter days and colder nights (cold by California standards). I found myself bummed out because I felt at the mercy of my neurologist, the DMV, and the Metrolink schedule.

My neurologist basically said she has no idea what triggered the seizure, and I may have another one. At anytime. Just randomly. It's bullshit really, the way my brain decided that right now was the best time to go into energy surge mode.  Luckily I haven't had another one since September, but unfortunately I'm looking at the beginning months of another 5 years on medication for something that may or may not happen.

My stint in not being able to drive and having to set boundaries at work lead to some pretty cool revelations.

1) I missed the part of me that would walk everywhere, and journal. I got to get in touch with a part of me I haven't really been able to since I was 18 years old.
2) A quiet early morning Earl Grey by myself is my idea of heaven
3) It's OK to ask for help or a ride. This is really hard for me, but I had some fortunate friends who jumped at the chance to give me a hand. Thank you!
4) My life will now come before my work. Letting my job know that I am prioritizing myself over billable numbers was empowering and necessary.
5) My husband is the shit: He would drive to pick me up on my late nights at work, at the train station, held my hand in the MRI machine. He's a keeper ;)

All in all it put some things in perspective for me that I think I needed, now, lets cross are fingers and hope my brain doesn't opt for another rewiring any time soon.