Life Lessons: 20 things I learned in my 20's

1.      You can hit puberty twice, apparently my hips were little delayed  in getting the memo and the next thing I knew was having to buy brand  new Lee jeans ( I also learned I had poor jean taste)

2.       Find a good, legitimate, Brazilian waxer - not some  weird place in a plaza called Shinnee Nail, you want the words “salon” “spa” and “painless” in the title

3.       I thought I was writing amazing poetry and insightful journal entries, I wasn’t.  I was just pretentious college kid with a thesaurus who thought it was crass to use the work Fuck in her journal. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.  

4.       Boys with tongue rings taste like you’re kissing a dirty nickel.

5.       Guys you meet in clubs who drive corvettes are a bad a bad idea. A  very, very, bad idea.

6.       Don’t slut shame another woman, you’re just as big a whore as she is.

7.       You CAN buy a sexy and supportive bra, you don’t need to need to be condemned to maiden ware beige.

8.       Perms are super bad ideas.

9.       Don’t buy a sports car as an “I’m getting over this __(insert: break up, quarter life crisis, job loss, weight gain, other traumatic event)_” purchase. Get a purse. Buy an Alpaca, I don’t know just don’t buy a sports car.

10.   Everything I ate eventually caught up with me, tapped me on the shoulder all winded and was like “oh look at you trying to outrun me! Lets go buy elastic band pants!”

11.   I learned that if you can't get yourself off, it'll be difficult for someone else to do it too! 

12.   I Learned that if you talk about owning a wedding dress and you don’t clarify  that you were previously engaged, people will think you’re crazy.

13.   I learned, like within the last five years, that you don’t need to keep holding on the gas pump when you fill up, they have a little flip thingy that holds it for you!

14.   I learned you can have soulmates who are women.

15.   Cats/Dogs make perfect surrogate children.

16.   Sadly, I learned, that I'm capable of being rendered helpless by a an unhealthy relationship.

17.   I learned that cold pizza is pretty much THE SHIT!

18.   Apparently, men don't read minds! Weird I know! 

19.   I Learned that competing with others is like competing in the special Olympics: no matter who wins, you’re both retarded.

20.   I learned that I didn’t know anything and I still don’t know anything and I’m ok with that. Here’s to another 20 + 100 years of learning. 

Kittehs: 10 reasons why my cats(or cat's in general) are cuter/better than your baby

After long consideration and viewing multiple facebook posts of peoples babies I have come to the conclusion that my cats are far cuter/better than your babies*. Let me provide some scientifically proven** facts as to why cats are better than your babies/children.

1.)   Fur. Is your child covered in fur? Because if it is that’s fucking terrifying and you should see a specialist. As for my cats they are covered in fur and look adorable. Have you ever touched a cats belly? It’s like touching angel wings or the hair of God.

Dr. Unagi

Disco

2.)   My cats don’t incessantly cry for no reason. No, they purr or meow. I mean they howl when in heat, but you can handle that with a quick trip to the vet. You can’t take a baby anywhere to fix that high pitch scream they do at 3am.

3.)   My cat’s got 9 lives, your kid only has 1 beat THAT!

4.)   They crap in a box and cover it up. Cat’s are discreet and have dignity, they don’t want you seeing their crap. Babies? Babies crap everywhere on anything at anytime possible.

5.)   I’ll never have to send my cats to college

6.)   My cats can’t get pregnant (well Dr. Unagi can but we’re handling that soon). Can you say that for your baby? “Oh but Andrea, my baby is only 7 months old”. You wont be saying that when they’re 16 , pimply,and horny.

7.)   Entertained easily by a string. My cats can play endlessly with a cat dancer ($2.99) and a plastic bag. How much is that X-box or baby Einstein stuff?

enjoy this video of cats on cheap catnip

8.)   Spring loaded feet. Can your baby jump 3-5 times their height

9.)   Cat’s clean themselves

Adorable? Yes! Clean? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

10.)   15-18 years emotional investment tops and no one will judge you if you buy another afterwards. You can’t say that when your 35 year old kid moves back in with you when his band didn’t take off. 

"Death Ferrets are playing at Kmart opening, I think this is our big break"

*I may end up having kids of my own, and yes, my cats may still be better than them
** there is NO scientific proof that cats are better than babies/children


Enjoy this video of a cat on a roomba:

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What is Secret-Cake??

It all started when Scott (my boyfriend) and I brought home a three layer red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting from Lucille's (a really great BBQ restaurant with moist and buttery muffins). The intention of bringing home the "food devil in a box" was to give it to my parents. Well, it never made it out our door. Over the span of a week Scott and I proceeded to eat it. At first it was very civil, you know a treat after dinner. However over the span of a week the slices turned into stabs with forks and spoons. The cake turned a heap of frosting and cake. Scott said we had to get rid of it because it was bad for us. So we committed to throwing it out and so it went into the trash, box and all. Later on, I noticed Scott had go into the kitchen to get some water, and it got mighty quiet in there, and the water wasn't running. I went into the kitchen and saw him pawing at that damn cake.


" YOU ENJOYING YOUR SECRET-CAKE FAT BOY!?!?!" -I yelled

Well needless to say secret-food has become the most delicious food there is in our tiny home, along with the yelling of "YOU ENJOYING YOUR SECRET (insert food) FAT GIRL/BOY??!?!". Yes, I am enjoying it!!! There will be no secret eating on this blog, just sheer veneration of pastries, pies, beef, pork, cheese, chocolate, etc, etc. It will be the joy of eating something so forbidden but with out the shame and ridicule, so..welcome to Secret-Cake....